Nutro

Yogurt

Today’s increasingly demanding lifestyle is enough to put exhorbitant pressure on everybody’s guts.

Stress levels are rocketing, meals are getting stodgier, entertainment programmes on the television sets are increasingly more akin to bear baiting than likely to induce relaxation. And more.

It’s no wonder more and more people are complaining of battered digestive system, intestinal dysfunctions and rectum feeling like lava.

And that’s because everytime we are running late for work, our brain cells send direct messages to the inferior anal nerves (also known as the inferior hemorrohoidal nerve) causing the  ischiorectalfossa along with the hemorrhoidal vessels to contract.

Nothing bad, I hear you say. Not if it happens regularly. Because if it does, you’d better hop to the supermarket and get hold of some bleach for those embarrassingly red-stained underpants: it’s your inferior mesenteric ganglia nudging you. It’s time for a Plan B!

And Plan B comes in the guise of the excellent yogurt.

Yogurt (often spelt yoghurt or even yoghourt) is none other than custardlike food with a tart flavor, prepared from milk curdled by bacteria, especially Lactobacillus bulgaricus and Streptococcus thermophilus, and often sweetened or flavored with fresh fruit pulp (or pulpa de fruta in Latin).

But yogurt is not just a concoction of bacillus and streptococcus. It’s much more than that.

Yogurt is life. Yogurt is health. Yogurt is pleasure. And these are not my words, but those of the ancient Persian Emperor Francis Al Gurt, the first person to appreciate the soothing and healing qualities associated with the custardy melange.

Affected by severrohea (an ancient variety of serious diarrhea), Emperor Al Gurt asked his best scientists to find him a potion that would finally placate those disloyal (some would say anarchical) guts of his.

Legend has it that, around that same time, a man called Yog Al Mahal attempted suicide by guzzling a spoonful of pure bacteria that were hanging around his laboratory. Unfortunately for him, Yog Al Mahal didn’t die, he just suffered from severe intestinal impaction, to the point that he had to be rushed to hospital to have his guts split open and his stools surgically removed.

This caught the eye of one of Al Gurt’s scientists, a man known as Pliny the Elder. The brainy man clocked that whatever triggered digestive impaction in Yog Al Mahal could offer a long-lasting solution to hyperactive giblets.

He managed to speak to Yog Al Mahal and grabbed precious information about the bacteria he’d used. In no time at all, Pliny the Elder was back in his lab, concocting potions that would include fibrillus, staphilococcus as well as copious amounts of lactobacillus.

The latter proved to be the most restless to tame. Pliny the Elder discovered that, if not refrigerated the lactobacillus would go into overdrive, mutate into a type of spores known as bambacoa acidus and mangle the hapless fibriulls and staphilococcus, therefore hampering the chances of a successful culture.

Pliny, however, soon managed to dilute the lactobacillus in milk, therefore allowing it to ferment and calm down. Within a month, the curded melange was born.

Unable to come up with a name, the scientist decided that a tribute to both Emperor Al Gurt and Yog Al Mahal would be an apt decision. The name Yog Gurt was born. That day, a billion intestines around the world celebrated with glee.

Because, by heating the culture to about 80 °C (176 °F), Pliny the Elder discovered that the hemorrhoidal vessels are allowed to deflate and return to normal. Most importantly, however, the curd like consistency of the gurty good allow the bowels to mop up the excess water that lurks behind maldigestion, gastrointestinal infections and loose intestines.

Back to the 21st century, one final tip from Nutro. When luxuriating in the curdy good, remember to use a silver teaspoon and roll your eyes upward as you savour the gurto. So packed the curd is with live bacteria and active lifestyle that you won’t believe the pleasure. It’ll be the perfect way to start the day! Yum yum!

Maccie D’s

The other day a good pal of mine and fellow nutritionist rang me on my blower and asked me where I was:

“It sounds busy out there, Nutro…Where are you?”, he enquired.
“I’m at a restaurant”, was my reply, “a busy restaurant”.
”Oh really, good Nutro? Whereabouts?”.
“What do you mean wheraabouts?”. I was confused.
”I mean, which restaurants…where are you?”, he insisted.

“Oh. I see. I’m in a restaurant called McDonald’s. I’m enjoying one of their sandwiches”.

You should have heard the silence coming from the other end of the line. Stone dead.

“Hello? Hello?”, I repeated, while an irksome bit of 100% pure USDA inspected beef was stuck between two of my incisors and my uvula was still grappling with the delicious and slightly acidic aftertaste of Canola oil (made by crushing the rapeseed) from the patty.

No answer. My fellow nutritionist pal was outraged, so much so that he hung up on me.

Some people’s relationship with McDonald’s can be difficult to unravel.

There are some who hate it.

Those pathetic tadpoles see it as the Root of all Evil, a conspiratorial embodiment of anything bad that’s ever happened to them. “McDonald’s serve junk food”, the whining goes. Or “It’s not nutritious”, “It’s bad for you and bad for the environment” and so on - those punks do nothing but stamp their feet on the floor in a strop or whinge from their moral high horse.

Entire docufilms have been made about the allegations that Mr McDonald is the cause behind people’s obesity rates, gout, bad breath, heart problems and varicose veins.

Any excuse to blame someone else but yourself.  Grow up, this is what Nutro says.

Because the truth is: McDonalds are amongst the top and most nutritious restaurants in the world. Their quality is second to none, so is their commitment to Sustainability™ and so are their sandwiches. Look how packed they are with enriched flour and corn syrup solids. No wonder millions of people everyday keep going back for more.

For one thing, no other restaurant would go to the lengths McDonalds do to explain in detail what’s inside their dinners. Do you really think that the bread you’re eagerly gobbing with your eyes agaze while sitting in that pretentious Michelin star restaurant is just pure flour and water?

Can you think of any rustic bakery or French boulangerie establishment candidly admitting that their mouthwateringly fragrant bagels are none other than a mix of bleached wheat flour, malted barley flour, niacin, reduced iron, thiamin mononitrate, riboflavin and folic acid?

Would you expect your local chip shop to plaster their walls with the news that their lovely fried potatoes are basted in antifoaming agent Dimethylpolysiloxylane (chemical formula C₈H₂₄O₂Si₃₎?

Well, no. And neither do I. At least McDonalds are open about it and they’re proudly wearing their ingredients on their sleeves.

It’s exactly the genius concoction of the ingredients listed above (as well as plenty more) that make their lovingly prepared food so toothsome.

Look at their most popular item on the Menu: the BigMac™.

First of all, no other burger in the world is as tall as the BigMac™. They don’t even come near. Just look at how proud that sandwich looks as it towers over all those other underachieving and rickety products.

But most importantly, no other hamburger on the planet can offer the same combination of sear-sizzled 100% pure beef, the purest table salt, crunchy Monocots and tomato concentrate from red ripe tomatoes, also known as salsa ketchup.

A BigMac™ is a complete meal. Kids love it and they know it’s good for them.

There’s the energy-packed carbs (made particularly tasty by copius amounts of Canola oil perused in the patty), there’s the crunchy lettuce leaves (which is to the sizzled beef what Robin was to Batman), the osteoporosis-busting onions, and of course, that tantalising garnish in the shape of a yellowy cheese slice, packed as it is with natural mold inhibitor.

And, lest we forget, the actual dinner: a juicy, freshly-prepared, made-to-order 100% Angus beef steak, 4 oz of fit-for-a-king goodness and that’s without even counting the flavour-enriching maltodextrin and tamarind powder!

Just that drop of nectarous mustard, the perfect condiment to the perfect McDonalds sandwich, contributes 5mg of pure sodium to your diet, which is a godsend for all those poor souls suffering from severe dehydration caused by diarrhea.

Not to mention that all McDonalds sandwiches are served with a generous helping of the crunchiest French Fries available which, like Nutro argued in the past, totally contribute to your precious five-a-day intake.

Remember that it is absolutely mandatory that the spuds are part of your order: there are no better friends around than fried potatoes. They’re always there for you and you only miss them when they’re missing. And, in case you didn’t know, those at McDonald’s are fried 100% in hydrogenated soybean oil with TBHQ, or tertiary butylhydroquinone, which does not cause discoloration even in the presence of iron.

Yes, at higher doses it may have some negative health effects on lab animals, such as producing precursors to stomach tumors and damage to DNA. But, I mean, which food isn’t bad if consumed in higher doses? And who cares, if you can treat yourself to a complete juicy meal for less than a fiver?

But don’t let the tree-huggers spoil your meal. Make sure it’s washed down with a generous paper cup of draught Coca Cola™, the most refreshing drink ever produced by an American, so thirst-quenching and so morish that entire crews of sneaky espionage agents have been trying to plagiarize its secret formula for the best part of a century.

Legend has it that Coca Cola™ is so refreshing that the actual Spanish word for drink, refresco, was coined after parched King of Spain Alfonso XIII  sipped the beverage for the first time in 1891.

The carbonated soft-drink par excellance is the perfect companion to your BigMac™, or the flaky Filet O’Fish™ (from the deep, cold waters of the Pacific Ocean), or the Quarter Pounder with Cheese (*weight before cooking 4 oz. - 113.4g) or even the Premium Crispy Chicken Ranch BLT Sandwich™.

Especially with the latter, you’ll find that Coca Cola™ complements the carrageenan and maltodextrin typical of battery chickens like there was no tomorrow.

And that is because the researchers at McDonalds have invested time and resources in finding the perfect chemical balance to disinhibit those lofty taste inhibitors that too often populate the gustatory areas of the brain via the seventh, ninth and tenth cranial nerves. It’s exactly frome those areas that the process known as gustation takes place and impulses are sent over to get the best out of your tastebuds.

There’s nothing like the taste of a chicken reared in the warmth of a packed battery farm side by side with hundreds of other chickens. Those animals are farmed especially for you and your fussy taste receptors. None of that time wasted on perching and walking and mating. Stuffed with plenty of food, those chickens will be the weight of a full adult and ready for slaughter after a mere 42 days instead of the usual three months. Pure meat.

And, of course, all in line with Sustainability™ policies.

So take your kids to a McDonalds restaurant, stuff their gob with a burger sandwich and raise that large size of McDonalds Beverage. Enjoy.

Sea salt

You’ve finally made it home after that long walk from the doctor. You’re soaking wet. Your hair is exuding that subtle but not totally unpleasant aroma of wet dog that some people manage to absorb on those stubbornly drizzly days. That annoying, pesky rain that kept getting into your eyes was the last thing you needed after those stern medical warnings you just received.

“You’ve got to cut down on salt, Mr Nutro!”.

“Your arteries are not looking good and as a nutritionist you should know better! Less salt is what you need”, tutted the GP.

I left his surgery slamming the door. I’m sick of a world where you’re supposed to feel guilty over everything you savour or imbibe, and where food and drink terrorism is around every corner, undermining the biggest pleasure of all: the culinary feast.

And so, back home, I took my beige mac off and sighed at the prospect of an insipid dinner: whether a portion of boiled desalted cod, desiccated liver, or a poached egg served on a sorry piece of toast, I was hardly cherishing the thought of a diet bereft of the salty joy.

“Sod it”, I thought. I will not give up on salt just yet and certainly not for the sake of a jumped up witch-doctor and the thousands of pounds he makes in commissions from blood-pressure machine manufacturers.

Rather than a white-robed pen-pusher, I’d rather place my trust in the infinite wisdom of our ancestors. Why else do you think the expression “take it with a pinch of salt” was created? That’s because the white granules were seen as a precious defence against deception, danger and superstition. Salt was to be the last bastion of earnestness, an ancient-day shelter from false hopes and cozening.

Salt is the most precious dietary mineral, a wonderful concoction of invaluable ions such as magnesium, chloride, sulfate and potassium as well as the most effective stimulant to the labyrinthine world of taste receptors.

Just imagine how useless your banquet would be if that steak of yours had never been generously sprinkled with the most precious trace mineral. Picture how bland that bowl of homemade sugo would be if had been deprived of those invaluable white granules. And what about that cured prosciutto? What would become of it if you couldn’t season it over 28 days under sackfuls of the world’s most precieux grit? And that dairy delicacy called feta, Greece’s saltiest contribution to Earth: are you honestly saying it could survive the pressures of a salt-free society? And what would that lone ground pepper cellar do without its loyal table companion of a lifetime?

Salt is unique because it can cajole even the most reluctant tastebuds in our palate into appreciating the sensory feast that is your dinner.

The problem is that, as a society, we have hit a brick wall. The state wants to tell you what to eat, how to eat it and how to digest it too. The spoilsports from Health & Safety, egged on by the greedy corporations in charge of diagnostic equipment, have taken over your dining table and dictated both starter and main course.

In the last few years, the scaremongers have perpetuated the idea that salt is bad for you. Everywhere you look there’s RED LABELS warning you of too much salt intake and saturated fats.

The craze has spiralled so much out of control that, according to the governmental spin machine, now as little as FIVE grams of salt a day is considered the maximum acceptable, which is nothing short of criminal.

What the Ministry of Truth isn’t telling you, is that salt is actually extremely good for you. As a natural mineral, far from clogging up your arteries, it sets them free, strengthening them and providing a shield from outside threats.

It is no coincidence that, in Eskimo culture, where tons of salt are used to dry and preserve freshly captured fish, men with protruding veins are looked up to. They are considered wiser, manlier, tougher. Courtesy of copious amounts of salt from their environmentally protected island, their weather-beaten arteries build up a rock-solid shell to help them cope with the harshest of climates.

And this is how the Nordic arrived first in the centuries-old quest for succulence. It’s no wonder fish from the Northern Emisphere grew to be the most appreciated in the world. Theirs is a noble tradition reflective of an incombustibly enterprising spirit, a bastion-cum-lightouse of maritime proposals of a clearly popular nature.

The Eskimos follow step by step a tradition initiated by Olaf IV as far back as 395 AD. Once meticulously beheaded and eviscerated, the aquatic animal is therefore carefully sprinkled with the finest clean sea water retaining all the nutrience that Mother Nature bestowed upon us.

Ignore those prophets of doom who like to link salt consumption with stiffness of the arteries and hypertension. In their desperate quest to flog Blood Pressure Pumps and various pharmaceuticals, they deliberatley fail to inform you of the benefits of hypertension.

Quite simply, hypertension keeps you on guard, with levels of awareness and energy that are crucial if you wish to cope with the demands of this ruthless modern world. Yes, cardiovascular risks may increase slightly from high salt consumption, but by far the benefits of a sodium and iodine-rich diet outpace the negatives.

Similarly, what they never tell you is the obvious truth that a higher systolic and diastolic blood pressure keeps you warm. Just think of when you get cold feet or cold hands. That’s because your pressure drops, a problem so nagging that only a high intake of sodium group can redress.

And that’s without even mentioning the obvious: a higher salt-intake stimulates water consumption which, by virtue of micturating, helps your body get rid of excess toxins.

One final word for the lazy. Don’t you just pepper your lovely steak with a sorry pinch of salt. Instead, lavish it with abundant lashings of the granulous good, making sure that the layer is thicker on the right end of the bovine cadaver than it is on the left. Every part of the body will be a winner: the palate will be happy and your arteries too thicker and stronger than a rock.

Bon Appetit.

Peanuts

It’s a chilly Friday night in November. You’ve just dusted off last year’s winter coat to seek solace from the bone-rattling cold and, on your way home, the prospect of a cosy evening huddled on the settee in front of a nice American slasher movie featuring glands drowned in fake blood is looking rather tantalising.

Of course our regular readers know that there’s no better stimulation of the senses than watching a high-octane movie while munching away on moorish snacks washed down with a superior quality drink.

And here’s where Nutro comes in handy.

While picking a quality film is not the job of a nutritionist, it is certainly in your interest to follow Nutro’s advice on selecting the best snack to accompany your cosy night in.

First of all, the pleasure of a refreshing drink is a key factor to your quest for the perfect home cinema snack.

A University of Oklahoma team recently found evidence that a drink guzzled with the purpose of quenching a ravaging thirst delivers a much more intense pleasure than the routine action of sipping off the same beverage for the sake of it. Just think of the unique relish of englutting an ice-cold drink at the end of a gruelling two-hour-long jogging session in high summer, with sweat trickling down your face and the tropical sun looking down on you like a disapproving father.

With that precious piece of information in mind, it is imperative that you grab hold of the saltiest snack available. Ignore those ill-founded calls for ready salted-crisps (a commendable nibble none the less). There’s only one type of snack that will work best in conjunction with a refreshing drink, and that is the peanut.

Aside from being wholly dolphin-friendly and ethical, salted peanuts are a joy to behold, one of the most joyous gifts Nature bestowed mankind if you consider their versatility as well as their ridiculously high nutritional value.

The delicious food paste known as peanut butter, first discovered in 1486 by ruthless Aztec Emperor Ahuitzotl of Tenochtitlan after he forced a dozen maltreated slaves to mash tons of peanuts to satisfy his own sadistic pleasure, is only one of the by-products of this precious germinacea.

Extremely rich in fiber, one single precious cultivated nut also contains more protein and monounsaturated fat than a prime cut of British beef™, even though it’s not as rich in hydrogenation and free radicals.

It is thanks to their sky-high salt content that all the goodness remains packed in the arachis hypogea. What happens is that the saliferous good acts as a shell, effectively ensuring that both antioxidants, polyphenol and glutanic acid stay put and don’t filter out of the precious peanut.

That settled, you now need to stuff as many peanuts as you can in your gob. The best way is to scoop them up with your palm and quickly shove a handful in your mouth. But the key factor is not to drink anything for as long as possible. It is absolutely imperative that you keep away from anything remotely liquid!

After gobbling a minimum of 150 grams of dried fruit, you will notice your taste pores and taste buds contracting. While the body’s natural reaction to mastication is that of secreting a higher rate of saliva, the impact of the cultivated salted amphidiploid on your taste nerves will deactivate taste signals to the brain, effectively inhibiting salivation.

However, don’t get carried away. The target is not yet reached. An extra couple of mouthfuls will be necessary if you wish to clog up the basic secretory units of those pesky salivary glands. The diner will need to carefully ensure that enough microscopic flakes of each peanut go to plug in every single one of the salivary ducts.

At this point, your mouth should begin to feel extremely dry. Your mandibles are beginning to struggle, burdened with a severely dehydrated oral cavity, while the copious amount of sodium in your mouth will send your parotid glands into spasm. The lumen of the larynx is squeezed shut and the epiglottis swings backward to cover the larynx, prompting your brain to crave that drink.

Not yet, reader. The operation is not complete. If you are still able to masticate, it means that an extra helping of gourmet salted Virginia peanuts is necessary.

With your saliva now more akin to mere traces of muddy mucus and the inside lining of your mouth sticky and burning, you will be almost unable to talk, one of the side effects being the utterance of consonants such as ‘k’ severely impeded.

If unsure, just try to say words like biscuits, cantankerous or kleptomaniac to yourself. You will probably be unable to articulate the consonants — with the resulting muddle of aspirated ‘hs’ and pastose ‘ds’ resembling the hoarseness a dying man’s last breath. This will mean your sublingual glands are seconds away from paralysis.

You will feel more parched than an exhausted lone rambler lost in the desert for six days or a desiccated cactus in the Arizona plains.

It is only at this point that you should crack open an ice cold beer, preferably one that is rich in hop. If you’re not a fan of the blond drink, you can try instead a magnesium-rich bottle of fresh mineral water which abounds in thermo-mineral spring and natural calcium.

Either way, you’ll enjoy the full benefits of gormandising copius amounts of the thirst-quenching liquid after scorching your mouth with the protein rich nut.

Just sit back and lap it up. Life will feel good again.

The Egg

The egg is the most versatile good that Mother Nature graced us with.

In the fierce which-came-first debate that has polarised humanity like little else over centuries, Nutro stands firmly in the egg camp.

When in 1389 Julian of Norwich wrote that “Egg is a sweet gracious working in love, mingled with plenteous pity: for mercy worketh in keeping us, and egg worketh turning to us all things to good”, the great English mystic made a clear nod to the egg and its vital role as the foundation of our nature’s creation.

Even when bad, an egg can still be packed with good. This is what the Curate said to the Right Reverend Host at the dinner table. When asked if his egg had gone off, the Curate was still able to appreciate how much good can stem from an ovate spheroid. This is why today we still speak fondly of a Curate’s egg.

Even the fidgety vegetarians, known to the wider world for their fastidious picking at food, decided a while back to welcome eggs into their realms with open arms (incidentally, if you’ll allow me, no behaviour is greater reflection than today’s opulence than the sorry sight of your spoiled veggie mate acting all bratty and picky at the dinner table).

No other culinary item can compete with a single egg in terms of nutritional value. The egg is the perfect source of nutrience. In fact we can say that egg equals nutrience. Look it up in the dictionary and see what I mean.

It’s no secret that Olympic champion and swimming sensation Michael Phelps is said to be pounding his digestive system with a total of eight eggs a day.

And here we get to the key point.  Though eggs can be simply savoured raw by gently stabbing the shell with a straw (such a rich drink that you may choke with pleasure), there are countless ways to appreciate Mother Nature’s own Special Agent on earth.

Just think of the omelette, France’s best contribution to world cuisine, a delicacy that even your most dim-witted pal can knock out within five minutes.

Or perhaps the Spanish tortilla, (or tortijar, in its Argentinian variety) a more rustic version of omelette, enriched as it is by the starchy potato and the polyphenol-rich onion. It is so good that, like everyone who’s familiar with the Iberic Peninsula will tell you, the entire country grinds to a halt at 11 o’clock each morning. That’s when every Pedro and Maria Pilar go on their break to stuff their gob with the nation’s favourite grub.

Better still, the pancake (or crêpe if you’re feeling particularly Gallic this morning) ie the yummiest, most divine way to start your day at the brekkie table while your breath is still sour from 8 hours of bacterial buildup at night.

Or how about scrambled eggs? Even the laziest of girlfriends can make it. Tell her to get off her backside, whisk a couple of eggy eggs in a hot greased pan. Mark my words, they will coagulate on the spot, creating creamy curds thanks to a fine stirring implement (a fine wooden spatula from cherry and maple will do) that you will have previously purchased. Taste the scrambled delicacy with a hot cuppa and the weight of an early morning start will vanish as fast as good mood from the mind of a bipolar. 

And if you’re a sweet tooth you can relish the sublime delights of custard. Invented as far back as 1723 by Italian beverage attendant Amadeo Custardo-Perrone at the court of the Abbey of Croyland, custard is a simple culinary preparation based on a cooked mixture of milk and yolk. Its divine taste is the reason why no pudding is a true pudding without a lovingly-prepared custarda.

Not to mention the legendary Easter egg, a tantalising comination of egg and chocolate which developed its name from the place where it was first invented: the Easter Islands.

Or if you think of sauces, just consider the impact that yummy mayonnaise had on the planet. Just think of the millions of restaurants and fast food outlets every day around the globe which decide to accompany their delicacies with tons of the white stable emulsion. Mayonnaise (or marlonasa) was first created by food connoiseur Armand de Vignerot du Plessis in 1756 after the Battle of Robert Spierre.

Or you can simply ask the Chinese. What would remain of their internationally-renowned  egg fried rice without those elegant shavings of fried egg accompanying  a toothsome combination of finely bolied long-grain rice, piping hot green peas and finely chopped spring onion all served in a bowl? Very little, surely.

It’s in the almanacs that both Emperor Gengis Khan and his assistant Jamuka would not spend a single day without gorging on entire trays of the egg-enriched delicacy while discussing war strategies and world domination at the dinner table.

And this is because eggs act by caressing and cajoling, cuddling and dandling your sleepy tastebuds on two fronts.

While on the alveolar level we have the white (or albumen), the job on both the uvula and the soft palate is carried out by the yoke, which is the membrane so orange that it’s got so much pigment it doesn’t know what to do with it.

A very fresh egg will be extremely rich in both germinal disc and aminoacids. Nutritionists won’t tire of reminding the public of how packed with vitamin A, B, B2, B3, B12 and B17 a simple egg is. And that’s without counting the tons of flavonoids, the stacks of folic acid and the calories it contains. Next time you buy an egg just hold it in your hand for a few seconds and tell me if it doesn’t ooze tryptophan, iron and ovoglobulin G2.

As for zinc ([Ar]3d¹⁰4s²⁾, your  average-sized egg contains more of it than an ordinary electrical battery.

You’ll have to wash your hands such is the quantity of essential nutrients it incorporates.

Now, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t debunk the myth that egg-haters have been circulating in recent years.

You may have heard the scaremongers alarming the public with talks of salmonella and diabetes. It is none other than a lie.

According to the US Department of Health and Water, less than 1 in 30,000 eggs contains salmonella. Which means that you’re safer eating an egg than crossing the road. It’s a simple statistical fact. That is, of course, unless you are so dim that you store your crate of fresh eggs right next to the salmon you were going to roast for dinner. That would be simply a recipe for disaster.

But that’s not to be blamed on the egg. Not by any means. Any food that is unintentionally placed next to raw salmon becomes a receptacle for salmonella and an opportunity to the evil bacteria to fester and develop.

Myth number two is that eggs are a vehicle for cholesterol. The doom-mongers have certainly done a good job there. Quite a few people nowadays are ready to buy the fable that egg consumption results in cholesterol LDL. Well, you may want to know that there are very, very, very few cases of people getting cholesterol from eating eggs. And that is simply because cholesterol is not a contagious disease.

So stop worrying and enjoy that egg-based breakfast.

No other food has so many words to describe it in the world. From Das Ei in German, oeuf in France and Départements d’Outre-mer, il uovo in Italy and pisanki in the Polish language, the possibilities are endless.

Whether fried or hard-boliled, poached or raw, whipped or lashed, a good egg will simply make you talk with your mouth full.

Fish

It’s a balmy summer evening and that light breeze is turning that walk by the sea with your loved one into an unforgettable experience.

The setting sun is still shining, unfazed by a couple of rogue clouds, while gentle waves are cradling each and every boat moored along the towpath. The seagulls are squawking in the distance. A couple of leering old men cycle past you, while cold frothy beers are handed out at the nearby bar in an attempt to quench the punters’ implacable thirst.

Just as you entertain the idea that such lovely picture could not get any more sensual or romantic, your stomach reminds you with a loud rumble that he’s the one who’s been severely neglected all day. That soggy lunchtime sandwich was digested too many an hour back and your body is simply aching for a nice and full sit-down meal.

What you’re going to savour for dinner is simply not open for debate. As gentle whiffs of sea salt and mercury-enriched fish are gently tickling your nose, the mere image of a freshly-fished grilled fish cooked in a coarse salt crust is making you drool like an anxious bulldog. 

Indeed, so much saliva is being secreted in your mouth that, as you swallow each round of slobber, you realise you’ll soon be needing the restroom.

At the best seafront restaurant, the waiter recommends exactly what you were thinking of: fish slowly chargrilled in a full layer of coarse sea salt.

The recipe was first brought into being by the Portuguese, a people with a proud seafaring tradition. For centuries they strode across the Indian and the Atlantic Oceans, capturing anything that was moving underwater and selling it to the highest bidder.

A traditional merchant’s legend narrates of the day when King Frank Kanoute the Great, seated on his throne on the seashore, ordered his slaves to purchase fish only from the Portuguese. “I don’t want to hear from those pesky Vikings again”, he said. “The best fish comes from the shores of Portugal, and that is all I wish for my loyal palate to savour until the day I perish”.

Kanoute, who also had a brief stint at West Ham Utd, was referring to the Portuguese delicacy known as Dorado de Fumas de Guincho, a freshwater fish-based dish that is even more popular than Portuguese Presunto or Peach em su Jugo washed down with Vinho Blanco.

The recipe couldn’t be any easier. Just grab a freshly fished Dorado (or sea bream), stick a couple of fingers up its pectoral fin and drag out every single bit of jelly innards you come across. Remember, you’ve got to be ruthless: no residual viscera should remain inside the aquatic vertebrate animal or you’ll seriously ruin this culinary feast.

It is also important that you leave the skin where it is. Just don’t touch and you’ll be fine. Once you’ve gutted the sea creature, just give it a couple whacks against a hard surface that you will have previously nestled in salt and freshly ground pepper. Make sure you hear a dull thud. That’s a sign you’re doing things properly.

Once you’ve pounded the Omega 3-rich fish, line a rectangular baking dish with coarse salt. When we say line it, we mean, stuff it. It has to be covered in the salty stuff. At that point, stick the dead fish in and cover it with even more salt. Ensure no part of the gilled animal is left uncovered. It has to drown in salt.

Cook it slowly for 30 to 45 minutes (it depends on how ravenous you are) and then place the cooked good on the table. It has to be piping hot so make sure you wear a protective glove, otherwise the fish will get cold while you’re awaiting your turn at A&E and it’ll be a goddamn waste of both time and fish.

Anyway. If you’re eating out that’s not going to happen. It may happen to the waiter, in which case it’s none of your responsibility. You’re paying good money to dine and savour toothsome food and tangy wine, not to feel guilty about poorly trained staff who failed to take due precautions against piping hot food.

So. What is crucial at this stage is how you break the crust. What you need to do is gently scrape off the salt crust with a good quality stainless steel knife (kitchen devil will do) and slide the balde under the skin so as to remove both crusty salt and skin.

That’s it. The fishy beauty is ready to be savoured. Obviously there may be a pesky bone or two trying their best to spoil your culinary experience, but just ignore them. Use your fingers to pick them from between your molars and simply tuck in for more of the lovely Dorado de Fumas de Guincho. Just to give you an idea, its name in the Portuguese language simply means “Nectar of the Sea”. You’re not kidding.

Of course if your tastebuds have a short attention span, for that extra kick you can always stimulate them with a lovingly prepared fish-friendly sauce such as tartar or hollandaise. If you use tartar though, make sure it’s a good quality one. You’ll thank me for that. For both you and your table companions, it’ll result in a seriously appetising moment.

But the main reason why your fish supper will be one to remember with gusto is not so much the feasting and the drinking (an excellent Portuguese white wine such as Lancers, Mateus or the plucky and unforgettably zesty Vinho de Madeira will just round off the whole experience and which you will knock back glass after glass to sate that coarse salt-induced raging thirst).

No, you will forever adore Dorado de Fumas de Guincho dinner because of the  fishy smell that will happily linger on for days. Ignore those trendy whiners moaning that fish odours are rank. Just let loose, drop your inhibitions, stick those fingers up your nostrils and inhale. Close your eyes and breathe in. You will sudeenly be overwhelmed with deep blue images of ocean storms, sailing vessels and roaming fish.

The aroma on your fingers after a fish tea is exactly the same fragrance you associate with genital body parts after a trip to the lavatory, which may explains our rollercoaster-like relationship with fish.

The smell of fish is unique in its subconscious connotation that remind us of the most intimate experiences of our lives.

If you’re still sceptical check out the Sorensen Index of Smells as compiled by the University of Kansas City as part of a research paper on the six senses. Along the scale, fish and genitalia are only separated by a single notch. In the case of ginger people, their urine smell will be exactly the same as fish.

So here’s the best way to enjoy it. Just squeeze a small lemon over your sticky hands covered in fish juice and scales and just lick those fingers. It’ll be like having supper all over again. What a tantalising prospect. Yum!

Asparagus

You’ve been out all day, drinking copious amounts of liquid to rehydrate that exhausted, parched body of yours. Whether imbibing  water, sodapop or an intoxicating beverage, you simply needed to lubricate your tastebuds.

The result, of course, is added pressure on your bladder. Not a problem, in fact quite satisfactory if you have a restroom at hand, but if there’s a long queue of people waiting to relieve themselves, you’d better wipe that smile off your face, as it’s not going to be a pleasant few minutes.

Worse if you’re on a crowded bus or a packed tube carriage. That twitching urethra will go into spasm soon unless you find a secluded corner where you can finally pass water.

While most people agree that taking a leak is one of the few pleasures of our lives and would also tend to roll their eyes in relief while micturating, 100% of our readers are of the firm opinion that urine smells tremendously unpleasant.

That distinctive pong of warm yellow fluid, first processed through the spongy kidneys and later expelled through the appropriate body parts, is one of the biggest contradictions of modern society and contemporary life.

Think about it. We have managed to create or recreate the best fragrances. Deodorants and air freshners, cologne and perfume, after shaves and antioxidants.

But the one thing that still smells grody is the urine.

Well, not anymore, pal.

Because nature made a fine vegetable available to everybody, a gentle herbacious perennial plant that goes by the name of Asparagus.

As far back as 300BC, famous Latin poet Julius Potassium wrote of “a culinary plant that will amaze your guests”. Grilled or stewed, raw or barbecued, Asparagus will retain all is flavour and surprise you with its versatility. 

Asparagus can accompany all of your dinners with style. Beef, but also pastas, cheese or chick peas, those elegant green shoots will stimulate your tastebuds like a red rag to a bull.

Nothing however, complements carbohydrate-rich Asparagus officinalis as well as salmon.

What most people still refuse to acknoweldge is that the deliciously anadromous pink fish approaches our taste receptors in a unique manner. While packed with Omega 3, salmon’s alpha-linolenic acids lie dormant next to the taste buds unless they are set off by pantothenic acid, which is the unique prerogative of Asparagus, paving the way for some of the most succulent culinary experiences known to man, especially if washed down with a leafy and citrusy nouveau rose wine.

Above all, however, Asparagus is unrivalled for its diuretic properties. Doctors and scientists are still trying to discover whether this is due to the high percentage of free radicals, but it’s a proven fact that this cheeky green good will turn your malodorous yellow excretion into a joy of the respiratory senses.

Its gentle aroma, with floral notes on the palate, a smooth but firm nutty reminiscience on the nose as well as a crisp and gamey finish will change your entire urinating experience, turning the malolactic fermentation into the most pleasantly floral minute of your life.

It is said that before recognising Parliament in 1660, King Charles II ordered a platter of barbecued asparagus (those days it was known as Para Gust, roughly translated as  “fragrant tastebud”) to deodorise his own urine. The monarch had developed a peculiar obsession. He wrote: “My para gust shall be my grave before I will budge a jot; for the fragrance when I pass urine is known not to mortal man”.

It is unfortunate that Charles II’s successors decided to clamp down on what was then dubbed the “Paragustisation”of public life. Many citizens were suspected of using their own asparagus-enriched urine as perfume or body spray, an activity that the authorities frowned upon.

Even though the plant was rich in folate and antioxidants as well as a good source of vitamin C, William of Orange was said to be “repulsed” by what he called “unnatural additives to the penance of micturating”.

In a memo he wrote to Robert the Bruce, William wrote: “It was by the Will of God that our natural rituals be mitigated by unpleasant aroma. It is hith way of informing ūs that the road to redemption is not free of Corpus and even less free of Christi”.

Fortunately for us all, hostility to the Asparagus is now dead and buried. In the 19th century, poet Marcel Proust famously praised it as “chamber pot turned flask of perfume”.

The herbacious good is now widely respected across the nutritional field.

Its qualities are praised around the world, particularly the fact that it contains no cholesterol and is very low in sodium with its molar mass full of asparagusic acids which are good for you, especially five times a day.

So don’t forget to stick a handful of Asparagus in your son’s lunch box tomorrow. His fragrant urine will turn him into the envy of his classmates and the “talk of the canteen”.